Friday, January 11, 2008

My Favorite Muumuu

It is always my aim to hide the perpetual belly-pouch that my twice-pregnant stomach has acquired. That being said, I have been delighted with the trend toward looser fitting, but flatteringly cut, shirts and tops. However, as I dressed recently I realized that some of my shirts beg the question: oh, are you expecting again? No, I’m sure that I left my figure around here somewhere. Muumuus tend to elicit those kinds of questions.

Shopping for tops post-baby can be a frustrating and aggravating experience. However, it can also be a humorous event if it is viewed with the correct attitude. Following is a list of criterions that a shirt must meet in order to be considered for purchase:

Once the sale and clearance racks are combed and a good selection of shirts has been collected, a dull bell announces the arrival of our heroine to the dressing room area. After shutting herself into an available space she locks the door, hangs her selections on the hook, and peels off her own shirt. She is now ready to begin.

Test #1: The first thing that needs to be determined is whether or not the shirt is a belly-hugger. During this test there may be a lot of tugging on the hem and arranging of the new item. If it insists on clinging to the midsection or if it emphasizes the belly-pouch the shirt is immediately relegated to the discard pile.

Test #2: For this test our heroine lifts her arms over her head to make sure that she will not flash anyone with her stretched out stomach should she decide to jump up and down and flail her arms like a crazy person.

Test#3: The sit-down test. This is a very important test if our heroine would like to maintain her sense of dignity in the presence of other people. If, once she sits, the article of clothing accentuates the way her belly rolls over the top of her pants it is right out.

It is a good idea to leave the flab causing children and the husband at home. None of them understand this ritual, nor do they appreciate being kept waiting during its duration.

Now that I have a cheerleader I am hoping to develop an exercise regimen. I did some light aerobics along with a VHS tape today, and even though I was horribly uncoordinated and must have looked like a buffoon my son had some wonderful words of encouragement for me- “That was amazing, Momma!”

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