Thursday, November 15, 2007

My husband's version of "Things that go BUMP in the night"

Here is what REALLY happened
By Sean

Earlier, my wife posted in her blog what I'll call a lovely little fable regarding the infiltration and subsequent savage attack upon my home, children and person by a ferocious mutant bat. In this story, there were charming and amusing details outlining how I bumbled about mostly in terror and by virtue of an accident managed to exorcise said bat. Women have this tendency to understate details of traumatic events in order to keep a grounded sense of reality, ignoring the outlandish aspects of the truth because acknowledging that such abject horrors exist would be a threat to her sanity.

Here is what REALLY happened...

10:45 PM: I am laying in bed, about to slip into a well-deserved and justified sleep after a hard day's work. I hear a murmured voice from down the hall, my wife, trying to converse with me in her usual manner- from thirty feet away, facing the opposite direction and with at least two walls in between. I wait for her to, inevitably, repeat herself.

11:08 PM: "Honey, there's a bat in here." She annunciates and speaks at an appropriate volume. I spring out of bed and charge down the hall to where my children sleep. "Help, help, Oh Help!" My wife whimpers at me. I say, "Get the children and get out of here!" and step into the room. The beast is circling around the ceiling in a menacing way, it's vast leathery wings more akin to an Andean condor than a common brown bat. It's wingbeats sound like a thick carpet being shaken out, and it's loveless black eyes shimmer, each one the size of a marble. Green liquid, which I can only assume is venom, glistens on it's bared fangs.

11:09 PM: My wife, forsaking her children, flees the room.

11:11 PM: The vicious bat, having not killed anything yet, is growing agitated. It lunges for one of my children, its massive bat ears (each one as big as my hand) twitch with fury. I swipe at it bare-fisted, all the while shouting for my wife, my helpmeet, to come and save the children. The bat flees the bedroom, nearly impaling me with it's wing-talons and I chase it down the stairs, glimpsing as I pass my wife in the office where she has opened the window, presumably to hurl herself out in terror. "NO!" I say, "I have it right where I want it! Save the children!" She complies.

11:12 PM: Silence. Downstairs, the darkness is deep. The beast hides, awaiting me, knowing I will come, sensing the courage in my heart, as one's nemesis always has a sixth sense about these things. I descend.

11:14 PM: I discover the beast in the kitchen, as I turn on the light it dives from the ceiling, belching out a great fountain of orange fire from its nostrils. I fall to the ground, several times, barely avoiding the scorching flames, razor-sharp talons, and poisonous jaws.

11:15 PM: I have an idea, and flee for the camera.

11:17 PM: Back in the kitchen, the winged demon is wreaking havoc, thawing out our meat with it's flaming breath and making unwanted toast. I attempt to flash blind it with the camera.

11:18 PM: My wife has come downstairs, and again I catch her at the front door trying to make good her escape. Again she has left our children to the fate of the bat. I command her upstairs.

11:24 PM: For several long minutes, the bat and I are locked in combat. We grapple as Jacob and the angel did, destroying furniture, shattering picture frames and making a terrible racket.

11:29 PM: Exhausted, I summon my last ounce of strength and hurl the bat away from me. I cast down my enemy and smite his ruin upon the chaise lounge. The frenzied beast drags its heaving bulk out the front door and again takes wing. I slam the door shut in time to see the creature swoop down and snatch a Siberian Husky from a neighbor's backyard. It soars away into the night, carrying its prey with it.

11:31 PM: All is well and peaceful.

As you can see, the truth is very different from the cute little tale you were earlier told. I may bear the bodily scars of the feral attack and the emotional scars of a wife who abandons us all in our time of need, but rest assured that I will still love her, and continue to protect her from the vile minions of darkness.

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